I’ve done this the last couple years and in the last six months or so have been feeling like i had so much going on that I couldn’t keep up. This left me so tired sometimes that I just rebelled and didn’t. I didn’t go to work, I didn’t run, I didn’t do the dishes… well you get the picture. Once my race was over, I continued to rebel and continued to not run. as in I still haven’t run much since the race. two five months later.
Strangely, I’m ok with that. Sorta. but I digress. I find that I’m more at peace with myself and everything going on. I find that I’m less stressed out by the many many many things outside of my control. Some of that is definitely because I’ve let go, but it’s equally important to note that I’ve had some terrific people in my life the past 2 years that have given me constant reminders that I’m not every woman and that it’s perfectly ok to think of myself first. To make what sounds like a greedy statement when it truly isn’t. To take a few moments and laugh and have fun. That I don’t *have* to be there for everyone.
What seems like a lifetime ago, I started reading and writing blogs. I loved that I could not only type out my thoughts, and dreams and frustrations and opinions (bc frankly writing them takes too long – the thought disappears before I can finish it!) but that I could also peer into the lives of people I knew and people I didn’t, but admired for one reason or another. At the time, blog reading was a limitless infatuation for me. I could be on the outside looking in like I always felt I was without the stigmata of actually being on the outside. lately I find myself full of thoughts though, without the time to jot the complete train down. Thus I’m left with a email “draft” full of half written, half baked ideas that I later venture back to without a clue to what I was thinking. These two things left me in the state I’m in now – at Feb 15th finally writing the post meant to be published on the 1st of Jan.
A few years ago one of my favorite scrapbook inspirations, Ali Edwards, started posting a one word resolution for lack of a better term. I liked the idea of picking one word and letting it rule your life. on a side note, I like how every time I say/write that phrase “one word and letting it rule your life” I think of the hobbitses and their one ring. It’s sorta funny to me. When I started, the word I chose was Hope. Obama was just elected and I had so many hopes about what was going on in my life. Little did I know that my world would come crashing down around me a few months later. Last year, well into recovering and rediscovering who I was as a person, I chose the word BE for my one little word. It gave me hope and helped me thrive. This year, I was a little late talking about it, but the word I’ve chose is Joy.
So many changes have occured in my life over the past few years since I started incorporating One Word into my life. My husband left me and my world fell apart. Life as I thought I knew it changed dramatically and I learned that keen lesson that many divorcees learn – who those people that truly count are. Maybe more importantly, I learned how to be self reliant and stand on my own two feet. I won’t lie to you. It was a hard journey. New things coupled with a constant anxiety attack had me wishing I could narrow my scope significantly. But then I reminded myself that this is what got me where I was, so instead I expanded with trepidation. It’s probably no surprise to you that the world didn’t bite back at me as I expected it to. In fact, it opened it’s arms wide open and welcomed me like the old friend I was. I met new people, experienced new things and expanded my horizons significantly. Then like many divorcees, I learned to smile again and then to laugh and then to love.
I chose Joy this year because this journey has been humbling when I reflect back. I’ve met some seriously awesome people and discovered others that have existed on the peripherals of my sight that I never realized were there. They have, one and all, taught me to find joy in the things I do and the things I encounter. More new things are on the immediate horizon and I’m breathless with excitement for them. To say that I’m joyful is putting it mildly. I simply can.not.wait.
One night, while finishing my workout, I looked down at my feet. I noticed how dirty my shoes were and for once I wasn’t worried about it. In fact, just the opposite. I was PROUD of the dirt. It told me that I’d accomplished something with these shoes. I had used them over and over again and worn them to this state. I hadn’t just gone onto ebay and bought a cheap pair of shoes that someone else had worn and conditioned. For that reason, I’m rather proud of this picture. It’s my Brooks Ariel running shoes. I bought them this summer and it was hard to spend the money on them. I grew up in that middle class place where you didn’t spend 100′s of dollars on shoes (even though that’s rather common place now). You went to Target and Walmart and Payless to get your shoes. Going to Foot Locker to get shoes was a treat. These days I wonder about that. Was this why I never enjoyed gym class? or was it because the “cool” crowd I longed to be part of were the ones walking. I hated running.
Have you ever looked at the shape of the number 8? It twists and curves back into itself so that it is a never ending loop. Turn it on its’ side and it’s no longer called an “eight”, but the symbol for infinity…time everlasting. The chinese even find the number eight auspicious because the chinese pronunciation is so close to the word for wealth. I look at my life lately and find myself wealthy. Not necessarily in terms of finances, although that would be nice. 
Tonight I met a great example of that. I stopped by a different 24hr fitness than I normally do. I use the term “normally” loosely because I’ve only been a member about a month and a half. I’ve had such a crappy day due to sinus pressure that I couldn’t relieve no matter how much medication (both prescription and OTC) I took. It colored everything I did with a sour note. From making me pull over to rest during my commute to work, to having to call customers back for information that the program that we use to record customer information “ate”. I was determined, though, to stop at the gym on the way home. The equipment at the gym makes no judgements as to the type of exercise you do, the speed you do it at or for how long you do it and I sooo needed a run.
