We sat in a bar early one Friday night talking about the week and how hellacious it had been, things going on in life, and like many other gal-gathering going on throughout the world that night, bemoaning the lack of men in our lives. I confided in her my fears for my life as I know it. The previous weekend, I had made a commitment to meet a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. Moving from Spanaway to Renton meant that the people I saw on an almost daily basis weren’t as prevalent in my life any longer. The distance meant that my contact with these people wasn’t as frequent as they once had been. I actually had to bump my schedule against theirs to find times when we were both free.
I digress though. I made a commitment to spend time with this friend and had neglected to because of time spent with my parents. The following Monday I emailed him and apologized. We traded emails back and forth and he commented that he thought I hadn’t come out because I was afraid. That confused me. Afraid? Of someone I saw at least 3x’s a week every week for 5 years? What would I have to be afraid of? When I asked him, he only commented that I’m a grown gal now. That last comment saddened me. It made me realize that he was definitely aware of my separation from my husband and that his intentions may not have been as above board as I would have liked. A few days later my neighbor asked me out. The one that’s as old as my father. I relayed this information to my friend and my fears about entering the dating world. I’m not even technically single yet either. Her comment, although short and succinct, made me do a lot of thinking. “Why not?” she asked. Indeed. Why not? Contracts were in place separating my life from that of my husband even if a divorce was not yet final. Although my belief was that we would spend the time apart thinking on which direction we wanted to take our lives and work through our issues, he took it as putting life on hold for a year. Very frustrating when you are eager to move past pain, past heartache and unshed tears.
Think I did indeed. While I had indeed moved past the daily tears, he still controlled my life and the decisions I made. Why was I still allowing him this measure of control? I needed to allow myself to think that these options were available. The first thing I did, while seemingly unrelated, was to finally remove his friends from my Facebook “friends” list. He had told me for years that they didn’t consider me a friend and I never believed him. I always thought it was a snide hurtful comment that he would make when we argued for the hell of it. To dig the pain I was already in even further. Little did I know that much of it was true. They could care less what I was up to. I had in fact, walked past them on multiple occasions without a reaction from them. This one small deletion from my life felt so liberating, I proceeded to remove them from other areas too.
It’s strange how liberating such a small action can feel. I never had to go through such actions when I was younger. No symbolic burning of momentoes, no tearing the ex out of pictures because I was emotionally ok with each separation. Why not? I continue to ask myself. Ready though I am to move onto this next phase of my life, exciting and terrifying though it may be, I realize that I need to see this commitment through to the end. My moral compass simply will not allow me to deviate. Others may argue that it has nothing to do with morals, but I disagree. Suffice it to say that I’m ready and waiting… excited at the thought of starting all over and terrified at the same time.